Featured in MindBodyGreen.
About a year ago, I felt compelled to do something totally different in my life. I was coming out of what some people might call a “quarter-life” crisis, and I was feeling a little more grounded.
After walking away from a secure corporate job, leaving depression, drug addictions and eating disorders behind, I was ready to step into my new life. And yet, I found my romantic relationships were still holding me back. No matter how hard I tried, my love life was still a battlefield.
I noticed this pattern and realized that in order to get to a good romantic relationship; I would need to quit bad romance for good. What I wanted was a healthy relationship. What I needed was inner peace. What I tried was celibacy.
My rules: No dating, no kissing, and no — gulp — sex!
The thought of it pushed my buttons in a way that left me feeling liberated. I knew I needed to do this for my spiritual health. And now, almost a year into my dating sabbatical, I’ve gained tremendous insight into who I am and what I really need in life.
Before my experiment, I would fill my world with inappropriate relationships in an effort to feel love and worthiness. I would stay in relationships way past their expiration dates, and I would fall in love with men who were really unhealthy for me.
Taking a year off from the distraction of “looking for love” has allowed me to find true unconditional love, the kind of love that I could only find within myself. Self-love is the greatest gift my celibacy has given me.
For the majority of my life, I had been dependent on the attention of men. My relationships were transitory, and my self-esteem was attached to the person I was with.
My intention for starting my one-year romance detox was to be able to feel beautiful without a man having to prove it to me.
Aside from learning how to love myself and being comfortable with the person I am, I also gained some valuable life lessons.
1. Be your own hero.
You don’t need another person to come and rescue you. You don’t need a job title, a new place, a new career or a relationship to define you or make you feel worthy. You are the only one who can pronounce yourself worthy or unworthy, so don’t give your power away to someone else. You are perfect just the way you are; own that and be your own hero.
2. Know what you need, not what you want.
Before my dating detox, I thought I wanted to be in a committed relationship, but I what I needed was self-love. If I only focused on what I wanted, I thought I’d be happy when I got it, but I neglected my true needs and got hurt time and time again. It wasn’t until I took time off from dating that I realized what I needed in every situation was to feel self-love and compassion. If we focus on our needs, our desires fall naturally into place.
3. You alone are enough.
Maya Angelou said, “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.” When I was in a relationship, I worked so hard to prove my love. I would overextend myself because I feared losing the love of the person I was with. Through my love sabbatical, I recognized that I am enough just as I am. I don’t have to try to be someone else to get people to like me, or to keep someone in love with me.
If you feel uncomfortable around a loved one, ask yourself if you are allowing him to make you feel unworthy. Be yourself fully, and you’ll find the love you so desire.
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I just love this, Shannon! The relationship sabbatical idea. I am also on a relationship sabbatical and it is the best thing ever, even at my age. There is so much more time to devote to just nurturing yourself with what you need rather than jumping through someone else’s hoops all the time and shortchanging your own life. You are a wise woman, indeed, and I applaud all that you do for all of us out here who have the privilege to witness your joy and find our own inspiration through it!
Susie, I am so happy you are trying the relationship sabbatical. I love how committed to our health and self love we are. Thank you so much for sharing.
I just want it to said thank you very much for an amazing blog. At my 43 years I had been married twice with a daughter from each marriage a 20 years old and a 14. After my 2nd divorce 7 years ago I dated a few guys until I finitely had a relationship for 2 years that ended in oct last year. After that I came to the conclusion that I had never gave my self time and space to hill I went from men to men trying to find love. I have no date no one since October I found out that I had never enjoy my self like I am enjoying it now. I go to Zumba, Yoga, Kettlebell classes every time I can. I enjoyed the company of friends and family and finitely I am going back to college in the fall. I don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow but for now I am dating and falling in love with my self in a healthy way. 🙂
Hi Gloria, thank you so much for sharing your story and amazing job on falling in love with yourself and life. Awesome you. Go girl go. XO
I love reading your articles, but this one hit home. I thought it wouldn’t really be the one that addressed my issues because I haven’t had a series of relationships. As a matter of fact, at 37 years old, I have never had a long term romantic relationship. But then I read the last sentence about being uncomfortable around a loved one and allowing them to make you feel inadequate and I realized that I have never allowed romantic relationships because I allow my parents to make me feel inadequate. They love me, I know this, so I have always felt guilty and wrong to feel that I am interpreting their actions poorly. The thing is, that there is an underlying disapproval of my choices. Not enough disapproval to cut me off, or get mad at me. Just this constant, underlying eye rolling because I am the weird child. I am the child who can’t focus, the one who won’t accomplish as much. They tell me that is ok, but it is still there. I have stayed in a career, made life decisions and been stuck for years for fear of receiving that disappointment. The thing is that I never worked hard enough to be a success in their eyes, because deep down, I thought there was no way I would ever have that. But I haven’t allowed myself to just let go of the basic structure of a “job” in the corporate world, and embraced the fuzzy world of doing what I love without the structure of a paycheck, health insurance and vacation pay. THeir fear for what would happen if I didn’t make it, has allowed me to listen to my anxiety more than my inner passion. It is time to decide what I want without their voices and faces in my head. Thank you so much for this article and your wonderful book. I am tired of crying myself to sleep and feeling constant fear that if I die tomorrow, I will be disappointed in myself and the things I didn’t do with my time.
Hi Melissa, Amazing breakthrough you just had. Thank you for sharing and I know what you are going through. There is light at the end of your tunnel keep on your path, you are doing great work. Bug hugs and thank you for reaching out.