We have heard the saying, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say it all,” or how about, “Sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me!” These adages ring true across many cultures and instill into our brains at a very young age. What they are really teaching us is, that it’s okay to lie and further more be blunt even if it hurts another person’s feelings.
As we get older we try to balance when it’s appropriate to say something and when it’s time to keep our trap shut. But what really happens when we bite our tongue?
If a friend asks you what you think of her new boyfriend, is it really appropriate to say that you think he is creepy and she deserves better? After all she is in the honeymoon stage. Or what if your boss asks you how their presentation went? Do you tell them the truth? Or spit out a white lie? Will your job be on the line if you say, their presentation was unimaginative and stale?
Humans are conditioned to tell little white lies in order to spare others from hurt feelings. The reality is that most children know how to fib by age 3, and experts say by the age of 6, most children lie at least three times a day. Children will learn how to lie by observing their parents.
Which means we are paving the way for others with our actions. Parents often explicitly will encourage children to tell a lie. You know the classic, “Don’t tell Grandma that her gift smells like mouth balls,” type of fibs.
The real question is, are we really protecting the other persons feelings by hiding our truth? How come it is easier to say something behind someone else’s back than it is to their face? If we have a problem with someone or something, shouldn’t we speak up?
I realized just how common this thought pattern is. Feelings of not wanting to rock the boat, fear of how the other person will react if we communicate our truth, is a very common issue with people.
Many clients that I work with in my coaching sessions have expressed these same thought patterns. They hide their truth in order to protect another persons feelings or save face, but inevitable every time, the situation worsens, and internal anger builds up and creates walls. This is why families stop talking, romantic relationships are unresolved and people get fired without reason.
We are a society of individuals who have made it socially acceptable to tell lies daily. In this effort to “be polite” we are hiding our true self.
Over the past few months I have made it my number one goal to reconnect with my best friend, myself. And on this journey I have made a new standard list for myself. I no longer talk about people behind their backs. If I have something to say I will tell them directly. Since embracing the honest lifestyle, my relationships have flourished. I am more connected to myself and more opportunities seem to come my way.
Here are tips to help you regain balance and honesty in your own life.
Listen to Your Inner Voice
When we tell lies, whether they are big or small, the real damage is not to other person but to ourselves. When we get real honest about why we lied, the result usually comes back to ourselves. We ignored our inner voice, the one that said:
“Don’t let your daughter go there, it will be a bad situation,” “Don’t stay in this relationship, this person is not right for you,” “Don’t take this job, it will be a bad outcome.” “Don’t tell your husband how you really feel about his family, it will cause a fight.”
Recognize that the more we hide away from our inner voice the bigger the walls grow between us and other people.
Communicate With Compassion
If we don’t like something about someone, rather then bringing it to their attention we often complain to others. Needless to say the person we have the issue with is completely in the dark. Practice communicating with the person who you need to resolve the issue with.
A perfect example of this is in romantic relationships. It is easier to break up by saying, “I just don’t want to date right now,” then it is to tell that person, “You are egotistical, and selfish.” This is where compassion comes in.
When it comes to telling a person the truth always use the compassion rule. Compassion rules communication. If it will hurt someone else feelings telling him or her the truth, then consider if it is really worth saying out loud. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself if you were in their shoes would you want someone to tell you? If the answer is yes, then open up. If you worry about hurting their feelings then ask yourself why you are putting someone else’s needs before your own. Because sharing your self fully means honoring yourself enough to speak up and share your truth. In the end remember that a truth will hurt for a little bit but a lie will hurt forever.
Good food for thought, all true and nicely written. Thanks for telling it like it is!