Ever since I declared an official sabbatical from men and decided I had work to do on myself, I have had major breakthroughs and miraculous moments.
The first few months of singlehood were excruciatingly painful. I would be on a euphoric high, quickly followed by a tsunami of loneliness. At times the loneliness took over and debilitated my ability to function, but with careful deliberation and focused intention I have managed to pull out of the emotional madness into a more consistent state of peace.
I have used this time as my single self to really get to know me. Giving myself what I need has been as important as learning what I really want.
In past relationships, I was desperate to feel loved and therefore ignored every red flag; I was the girl who sacrificed EVERYTHING in an effort to please the man I was with. But what I know now, is that hurt both of us. That was me until last year, when I realized that the longer I stayed with a man who wasn’t right for me, the longer it would take for me to find the person who was right for me.
I left my last relationship with a declaration for my single self to love and honor my needs first and foremost. This meant creating space to be single and learning how to truly love myself. I allowed myself to explore the person I really I am.
Even though I was doing the work and showing up for myself, I still unknowingly held onto resentment. On some level I felt like a failure, my ego would scream, “you couldn’t even keep a relationship working right. “
This morning a miracle happened. In my hot yoga class on my mat, I felt the shift. Images of my every romantic partner popped into my head, and I was flooded with gratitude as love poured through my body.
I felt the miracle; the shift was forgiveness.
I forgave every man for emotionally hurting me, and I forgave myself for trying harder than I needed. I realized in that moment, that everything had been in right order and that there are no wrong relationships, just opportunities to grow.
I felt overjoyed with love as I appreciated every man for the relationship we had shared, realizing each one had shaped me into the person I am today.
With each person, I learned life lessons, like unconditional love, acceptance, being present, and forgiveness. Without these experiences, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
Getting over your past can be a traumatic experience. When we give our heart to someone and it doesn’t work out as we planned, the emotional damage can bankrupt any heart.
If you are struggling with your past romantic relationships, whether you are trying to get over an ex, or heal from a past situation, these tips can help heal your heart.
Take time off from dating.
I knew I needed time to reflect; a 3 to 6 month break from dating is not exactly going to kill you. After all, if you can stay in a crappy relationship for longer than that, why not try some dedicated to heal for a short period? I am taking a year off, and each month I learn even more about myself.
Hold out for a hero.
One day someone, the right one, will walk into your life and you will see why it never worked out with anyone else. Don’t settle for less in the mean time. You deserve to be treated like the amazing person you are.
Pay attention to your patterns.
I realized that in all of my past relationships, we fought more then we had fun. Alarm bells should ring if you spend more time fighting for a relationship than you actually do enjoying it. Look at all of your relationships and identify the patterns that keep popping up. Vow to end the vicious cycle now.
Raise your standards.
You have been choosing men (or women) in relationships who reflect what you believe about yourself, about love, and about relationships. When your experiences are negative, you chose relationships that have yield negative results.
The more you love yourself, the more authentic love can come into your life. It has been said that we accept the love we think we deserve. If you want more love, give it to yourself first.
I’m putting myself on a 12 month break up recovery plan. Feel free to join me. It includes:
- Avoiding dating sites
- Stop social stalking your ex(s) (defriend them on Facebook (or at least hide them), stop following them on Twitter)
- Practicing daily forgiveness meditations
- Practice self-love and self-care
- No electronic or other contact with your ex
- Surrounding yourself with friends who are uplifting
- Create a red flag list. After looking at your patterns and discovering what doesn’t work, write down what you need in a partner, and use the list as a guide.
- Do what you love daily
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Thanks for sharing, your words of wisdom are encouraging and bring hope and peace to us all… love the challenges too, I’m in!
I’m in too and also decided to pray alot that God would help me to forgive him and the others, amazing some of what I decided for myself is the same. I just had not consciously decided that I would take a break for a year, I just decided to take a break. But I am in too and thanks for your articles they are so inpsirational, refreshing and authentic.
Very good article. The only thing I see missing is something very important. I want to see not only the red flags in others but in myself too. What do I do that negatively affects relationships? How can I take a year off to discover more about myself and how to be a better partner.
Red flags in others are ultimately important and I love your idea of looking for patterns in past relationships. Again, I’m seeing a pattern in me more than in them. My pattern is that I lean on partners too much. I expect them to take care of me when I should be doing that for myself. This, I need to work on. I got some growin’up to do!
I love reading and watching your creations, Shannon. I’m a huge fan and you’re part of my self-discovery, self-improvement plan.
Thanks!
Jane