Being a people pleaser isn’t about needing to be liked or making others happy.
People pleasing is often a trauma response from not getting emotional needs met as a child. If you experienced neglect, rejection, unavailable or emotionally closed off, inconsistent care, or unpredictable behavior from your caregivers, people pleasing became a learned behavior to try to feel safe in an unknown or ever-changing environment.
We learned at a young age that are worth is tied to how much we give, do, achieve, or sacrifice. We were taught to believe that what we “do” is more important than who we are. And when others are happy and calm, then we are safe.
People pleasing is a prolonged trauma response. We learned at a young age that if I don’t agree with them or go along with them, then my physical, mental, emotional, and/ or spiritual self will be threatened or in danger.
We take on the caregiver/ fixer role at a young age in order to regulate those around us who can’t regulate or process their own emotions. We learn, “Their needs are more important than mine.” Therefore, pleasing people is about feeling safe in the world.
If you find yourself in adult relationships where your needs are consistently disregarded, ignored, invalidated, or unappreciated it could stem from unmet childhood needs. This often results in passive-aggressive behavior, inner anger, prolonged sadness, numbing, addictions, and unstable relationships, due to feeling threatened and or afraid to speak up for yourself.)
People pleasing is often rooted in fear of abandonment. But when you show up for others before you show up for yourself you betray and abandon yourself
When you don’t speak up you hide your true feelings, this maintains a perceived peace with others but creates a war within yourself When we show for others at the sacrifice of self we are not pleasing from love or benevolence, we are doing so out of fear.
"Forgive your parents for not being able to love or care for you the way you needed. Then forgive yourself for looking for love in all the wrong places. It’s all levels of healing." —@higherdimension
"Observing your own behavior in every situation is the fastest way to transcend trauma and childhood wounds. Triggers are always about you, it’s in what you don’t say, what you haven’t grounded, what you haven’t loved…it’s you." — @the_energtic_alchemist
For more support on this topic follow along on Instagram @ShannonKaiserWrites
and check out my new YouTube Channel HERE
If you relate please leave a comment and share your experience in the comments.
Photo by Brian Patrick Tagalog on Unsplash
